Just got behind in journal updates. Figure by this point there's not much point in updating everything.

AE was okay. A little on the slow side.

Still have no job. Still looking.

In general, life's not horrible.

Anyway. To get into more specifics... A couple of you already know about this, but I figure since I'm well past overdue on a journal, I might as well put it in here.

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Message: A long over-due apology, cause I'm an idiot.

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Tony A
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June 5 at 8:58am
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Hey Mercedes.

I just want to say thanks for reading this email, that is if you decide to, I honestly wouldn’t blame you for not. First off I need to apologize for all of the crap I put you through two years ago. I'm not going to expect you to forgive me, or even reply to this. I just feel I need to clear the air and try to right all my wrongs. I never expected what happened would have, and I never wanted to put you or your family through all that which was going on and how badly the past managed to rear its ugly head putting you in the middle of it. I was an idiot for letting it happen the way it did and for how I dealt with it. Also how long it has taken me to finally let go of all my stupid fears and damaged pride and do what I should have done so long ago and finally tell you how sorry I am and how I regret my actions.

I never wanted things to end up the way they did. I never wanted to see just how hurt and angry I made you. And I never wanted to hide from you the way I have been. I'm also not going to give you any excuses because those are useless, but the situation I was in was a very volatile one and stupidly I thought it was the way to deal with it without anybody getting as hurt as we did. I'm an idiot. I've wanted to say all of this for so long and I know how stupid I am for not telling you. I know the damage I've done is unfixable and I'm not going to expect you to just forget everything that happened and just accept me as a friend or even forgive me but I do hope we can at least not being afraid of running into each other in public.

I'm sorry for what I've done and I'm even more sorry for hurting you.

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Mercedes Wilson
June 6 at 3:04am

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I'm not prepared to reply at this point in time. However, I do have things I want to say and questions I would appreciate answers to, so there will be a reply coming, though it may not be immediate.

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I figured some time to think was in order. And I wanted to wait until after AE.

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Tony A
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June 6 at 1:30pm
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That is totally understandable. I'll answer all of your questions to the best of my ability when you're ready.

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Mercedes Wilson
June 17 at 3:51pm

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Despite the fact that an apology really makes no difference what so ever, it's still appreciated. Better late than never, I suppose.

I was planning on being prepared with this list of questions written out worded ever-so nicely, but as it turns out I'm just going off the top of my head, mainly because I really can't procrastinate much longer.

So I guess as a starter: why now? What made you think that after two years it would be a good idea to apologize? As I've said, and as you're well aware already, it doesn't make much difference. So what is it that you want?

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Tony A
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June 21 at 10:37pm
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In all honesty I wanted to a year ago. I was just still caught up in alot bad emotions and feelings towards alot of things. It's taken way too long for me to sort through all of my shit and to stop dwelling on the bad things and make ammends for the things I really am responsable for.

I just really dont want to have to be afraid to bump into you anywhere. Since we do end up going to most of the same places.

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Mercedes Wilson
June 21 at 11:15pm

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I don't get it. Why would you be afraid of running into me? I'm not exactly the most frightening thing on the planet. It makes no sense.

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I stopped being afraid of running into him a long time ago. And at the risk of an awkward moment: thank you, Alex.

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Tony A
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June 21 at 11:20pm
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Ok, maybe afraid isnt the right word. Avoiding would probably work better.

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Mercedes Wilson
June 21 at 11:38pm

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Probably.

I'm curious. Why'd you do it? She e-mailed me, you know. The following January. She seemed so sweet.

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She really was. She didn't have to go out of her way to try and give me a some peace of mind.

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Tony A
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June 21 at 11:45pm
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Eh, she really wasnt. What did she have to say?

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Read as: Fuck, fuck, fuck. I didn't know about this. Fuck.

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Mercedes Wilson
June 22 at 1:16am

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Oh... nothing much. Care to read it?

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Hello, this is Tony's now EX girlfriend, the one that called you about a month and a half back.

October 27th, 2006, me and tony got together. We did not break up once. Even I had problems with wrath, because tony brought me to a couple of those meetups and she got jealous of me. I believed he was faithful, and had no reason to doubt him until I saw your text messages. We had been going out for a year and 2 months, and had JUST moved in together. I believed that tony and I had a serious and exclusive relationship. This would probably be the reason why he stopped sending you messages, because inevitably you'd find out he was living with his girlfriend.

I found your picture in his wallet about the end of October. I immediately got upset, because he didn't even have my grad photos in his wallet, and being his girlfriend, he should have a photo of me in lieu of a 'friend' of his. I asked him what was going on, he told me he found it when he was at your place, and he likes to keep photo's of his friends. He said he left my photos at his grandparents after cleaning out his wallet. I believed him, he told me you were a lesbian. I also thought I had nothing to worry about when he spent the night at your place. He told me on the phone that he was at his mom's place, and about to have dinner (when he was at your place). He called me the next morning and said his phone had died, and changed his story. He had spent the night at your place, because he couldn't get a hold of his mom. Ok, I was fine with this, he doesn't seem like the type who'd cheat.

I never heard much about you after that. Although one time in Metro town mall, he refused to kiss me and was looking around all paranoid - obviously afraid you'd see us together.

I told him to get rid of the photo, and he said he would. He didn't, I found it again after I looked at the messages on his phone and called you. I found an email from him to you (after I'm sure he thought he deleted any and all messages) and he denied it profusely. He swore to me he never cheated on me, when he obviously did. He told me after he said nothing happened that the night he stayed over, you came out and kissed him on the cheek, but he told you no, he had a girlfriend. He also said you were crazy obsessed with him like wrath was, and that's why you'd write the things on your deviant art - unfortunately I didn't read far back enough to find the emails saying he wanted to keep you two secret, just the one about when I called you.

I want to apologize to you for bringing this up, and most likely making you feel bad - Think of how I feel though, I live with him now.

We've had a bit of trouble since then - he promised me nothing happened, he got rid of all his friends that were girls, and he tried to prove to me he'd do anything for me and that he'd never cheat on me. Unfortunately, I took him back. That was my mistake.

Tonight, we broke up, because he lied to my face (well again). He was on the phone with an ex of his, I could hear her voice, but when he got off the phone he told me that it was a guy friend of his who called. He outright lied, I called him on it, we got into a fight, and we broke up. I looked at your deviant art, and read some past journals. It's proof that he cheated on me, and thank you. I'm sorry that he screwed with both of us, and just a warning now - if he ever tries to go back to you, don't ever. He's not worth it, I went back to a guy who cheated on me (twice, Tony and another ex of mine) and both ended up miserable. You are smart, I know you are because of some of the things I've read. Don't EVER go back to ANY guy who's cheated on you. I hope tony has taught you a lesson, because he sure taught me one.

I promise you this is the last time I will ever contact you. I hope you don't feel I am harrassing you or anything. I thought maybe it would be easier if you knew how bad of a lying cheating piece of scum tony is. Maybe it'll make you feel better knowing that I was screwed over, because I did hurt you pretty bad, even though it was tony who did it. I just happened to be the bearer of bad news.

I apologize for the heartache that you've been through.

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Tony A
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June 22 at 5:11pm
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Ah, well I'm really not surprised that she would send that, she sent something along those lines to quite a few people I knew, including members of my familly. Also I'm not quite sure how much of what I say you will believe and for good reason. Also I'm not surprised she didnt tell you about the threats she would make to me constantly,esspecially the ones she would follow through with. She was the biggest mistake in my entire life and yes there has been some permanent damage to my life from her. Alot of things I dont think I'll go into but alot of things about that e-mail arent true. Again believe what you will, cause if I were you, well I'm sure I would know what you would think anyway.

Again I'm just attempting to attone for what I've done to you.

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Mercedes Wilson
June 22 at 7:22pm

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All things considered, I'm sure you'll understand that, at this point, I don't believe a word you say and that what she said in that e-mail holds more value than anything you've said so far.

You still haven't answered me. Why did you do it?

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Tony A
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June 22 at 10:54pm
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Thats understandable. Between her and I our relationship was not the greatest one. It was the farthest thing from a healthy relationship by far and we were on the rocks for most of the time we were going out. It was one of those cases where you find out things about the other person that should have been major warning signs.
I was falling for you because you were everything she wasnt. The only reason why I stayed with her was because I was scared.

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Scared my ass.

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Mercedes Wilson
July 10 at 11:21am

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Haven't been able to respond. Been busy.

Honestly, that sounds like bull to me. But it's fine. I got my answers. I'm done.

PS. For future reference, "I was falling for you because you were everything she wasnt" isn't fair.

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Actually... It kinda threw me for a loop, so I procrastinated. :/

I tried replying multiple times but each time I managed to lose my cool and I didn't want to give him that satisfaction.

I think I might have anyway. :c